Radio Gaga

“You could be miiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee …. Yeah! Guns ‘n’ Roses blasting you out of bed on 105.7, SHFT, Talbot Peak’s only rock and roll radio station. You’re listening to Tabbs and Fuzzy on the Morning Hair Ball and we are coming at you LIVE! Well, with a five-second delay because Fuzzy here looks like he had one of those nights. Care to elaborate, Fuzz?”

“(Bleep).”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. What did I tell you about those cougars, man? You do not want to get on the wrong side of a cat. Now here’s Leon with the traffic report. How do the roads look out there?”

“Empty! How do you think they look? Everybody’s got wings or four legs. Nobody drives but the monkeys. Why am I even doing this job?”

“Because your dad owns the station. Thanks, Leon. I’ve got two exclusive passes to the Halloween Bash at Dante’s bar next Saturday. I’ll take the fifteenth caller. You’re number 12, sorry … number 13 … mrawr! Hang on the line there, sweet thing, I’ll get back to you in a second – you’re what? You’re in a pack-mating? Yow! Too rich for my blood … What’s your name, man?”

“Scooter.”

“You gotta be kidding me … you’re over 18, right?”

“Huh? Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh gawd. I mean, Scooter, you are caller 15! You get the passes!”

“Sweet!”

“You betcha. If you’re not over 18 now, you will be by the time the night’s over … hang on the line so we can get your info. Who rocks out with their cocks out?"

"The Morning Hair Ball! WHOOOOOOOO!"

"Yeesh. I think that one left the den before his eyes fully opened. What do you think, Fuzz?"

“(Bleep).”

“Geez, man, what is with you this morning?”

“My mate’s been running around on me. With a skunk. A wolf I could see, man, but … gawd.”

“What, her nose is broken or something?”

“He’s de-scented.”

“Whoa. You know what they say about de-scented skunks.”

“They’re going to be saying this one’s road kill if I get hold of him.”

“Y’hear that, Flower? Your days are numbered. The Fuzzinator’s on your trail. Morning Hair Ball, you’re on the air.”

“Yeah, hey, Fuzzy? Here’s what you do with a skunk. Garlic and holy water. Works every time.”

“That’s vampires, man.”

“It is? Oh yeah … sorry, dog. I was at a catnip party last night. You try a leg trap?”

“I thought about it. They’re outlawed.”

“Oh, well, uh … ” (Hangs up.)

“Geez. I’m telling you, Fuzz, it’s waaaay too early in the morning for some of our listeners. Morning Hair Ball, you’re on the air.”

“Freddy?”

“Cerise?”

“Cripes, Freddy. What is your problem? I am not running around on you. Certainly not with a skunk. Who told you I was cheating on you with a skunk?”

“My nose told me. You’ve got that roadkill stink on you.”

“I’m a jackal, Freddy. We all smell like that. You know how many baths I take to keep that wolf nose of yours happy? The one that’s way off base right now.”

“Yeah? Explain the hairs then.”

“The black and white hairs, you mean? My sister’s visiting. Her boyfriend’s a Dalmatian. You remember my sister, don’t you? You should, you were drooling all over her last weekend.”

“Uh … ”

“Not to mention I had to get up at 5-sniffing-30 in the morning just to talk to you. I’m spending the day with my sister and all the shed hairs on her coat. When you’re ready to apologize, you give me a call.” (Hangs up.)

“Holy scat, man. A jackal? Doesn’t that get messy?”

“She’s a neat freak. I know, surprised me too. The only real problem’s getting a snack. There are never any leftovers in the fridge. Cerise, honey, if you’re still listening, I’m sorry. Tell you what, let’s have dinner tonight. You, me, and your sister. I’ll make it up to both of you.”

“Fuzz-man, listen to the tomcat. Leave the sister out of it.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I don’t get this whole mate-for-life thing anyway. Why limit yourself to one lady when there are so many out there you could be making happy?”

“It’s a wolf thing.”

“Right. Morning Hair Ball, you’re on the air.”

“Fuzzy! Dog, you are sooooo whipped. Does she lift your leg for you too?”

“No, your alpha lifts my leg.”

“Yeah? Well, your alpha licks your – ”

“Annnd you’re listening to SHFT, rock and roll in the morning. Fuzzman and I will be live at Dante’s for the Halloween Bash. Local band the Poo Pelters will be playing, and we’ll be having tee-shirt and CD giveaways all night. Plus you get to see us, Tabbs and Fuzzy, live and in person!”

“Yeah. Talk about scary.”

“Fuzz, why are you even in radio?”

“Can you picture me on TV?”

“Good point. Why don’t we liven up the morning with some Ozzy? You’re listening to the Morning Hair Ball on 105.7, SHFT. All abooaarrrd, hahahahahaha … ”