Of Lizzards and Toads

Marv rubbed his eyes. Then he blinked and rubbed them again.
There were dragons raiding his south pasture. What the hell were dragons doing raiding his south pasture?

“Damn lizards. You never see cats behaving like this when they come up on the Chinese calendar,” a silky, irritated-sounding voice mewled. The voice seemed to be coming from that naked barn cat that showed up a few months ago. The cat looked up at him, blinked once, then spoke again, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of this.”

The next thing he knew that scrawny cat stalked—the only way to describe that walk was to call it a stalk—out of the barn and down to the pasture fence. It would have looked more appropriate on a thousand pound tiger than a ten pound sphinx cat. Marv was a little worried, both about his sanity and about the cat. He’d kind of grown fond of the little bugger. If his prize black angus bull was having trouble keeping the dragons off him, surly that cat was going to end up as an appetizer.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF SIZMU AND BA’AS DO YOU FLYING GAS BLADDERS THINK YOU ARE DOING?!?”

Wow. Marv stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it, trying to bring his hearing back in like. If he hadn’t been looking at the cat, he’d’a though the Voice of God had come down from the mountains in the form of a burning bush to berate Moses and the Israelites. It worked, though. Those dragons stopped what they were doing—and promptly fell right out of the sky. Solves the mystery of weather a dragon needs to flap their wings, Marv though, and he snorted. Not that anyone would have bothered asking. Yep, he’d gone ‘round the bend.

“THIS RANCH AND ALL OF its CONTENTS, LIVESTOCK AND OTHER INHABITANTS ARE UNDER MY PROTECTION! LEAVE BEFORE I BANISH YOUR ASSES TO AN ETERNATY LISTENING TO AIR SUPPLY AND WEARING THE BODIES OF STINK TOADS!”

Wow, Marv thought again. That cat was an imaginative, vindictive little shit, wasn’t he?

"PUT THAT GOD BLESSED BULL RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM, METHUSITHET! – FINE, BE A TOAD. SEE IF I CARE.”

~ KER-POW ~

Holy shit. That was the biggest toad Marv had ever seen. What the hell was he going to do with a toad the size of a VW? Marv watched in amazement as the remaining three dragons flew off in a lathered rush—but not before putting every single cow right back where they gotten them from. This was quite nasty as two of the cows had already been eaten. With a pop, the huge smell toad vanished and the cat walk back to sit down beside him. They stood there in silence for several minutes, Marv trying to make sense of what he’d just sen and the cat, cleaning its paw like nothing had happened.

“Well, thanks for that, I guess,” Marv finally said, still a bit dazed.

“Oh, think nothing of it,” the cat purred.

“You didn’t have to help out like that—“

“Pshaw! Of course I did. I’m a god. You are mortal. You pay me tribute and I protect you and yours. That’s the way it works.”

“You are God?” Marv asked incredulously.

“No, no, no. I am not God with a capital gee. I am a god, with a lower case gee. And since you are going to ask, yes you have been paying me tribute. You give me milk and coffee. For that, I usually just keep your barn free of mice.” The cat seemed to shrug. “Today, you required a bit more than mouse-catching, but still. Telling off dragons is always amusing.”

“I see…”

“My name is Lexor, by the way.”

“Well, nice to know you Lexor.”