Holiday Tradition

“And there it is again, per your requests, Adam Sandler and his Thanksgiving song on Talbot’s Peak’s premiere radio station, SHFT, 105.7. You’re listening to me, Tabbs, the cat what’s got the stripes and wipes, and Mr. Surly over here, aka the Fuzz-man. That’s right, the Morning Hall Ball’s working on a holiday. Why? Because we get free turkey and time and a half. Coming up at noon, we’ll be running that other perennial Thanksgiving favorite, Arlo Guthrie’s ‘Alice’s Restaurant’—”

“Why?”

“Waddaya mean, why? It’s a classic. It—”

“It’s dated. It’s a relic. It’s fifty years old. That’s twice as old as our target audience. It’s a protest song from the ‘60s. Who the hell cares about the ‘60s anymore, other than your grandpa?”

(voice from the booth) “My dad cares, and he owns the station.”

“Not to mention it’s the only Thanksgiving rock song we’ve got. ‘Born in the USA’ doesn’t count. Besides, it runs, what, twenty minutes? We can eat and take piss breaks while it’s on.”

“Yeah, I guess there is that. Holy scat, we got a call. I thought everybody was off eating or something.”

“Looks like somebody’s got their radio on. Morning Hair Ball, you’re on the air.”

(caller) “Fuzzy! I’m with you, man. Play some new stuff. No more grandpa rock. Play something we can hump to.”

“You can hump to ‘Alice’s Restaurant.’ It’s twenty minutes long.”

“Just watch where you are, man. That’s how Billy Bonnadonna lost his job.”

(caller) “Who?”

“Yeah, I remember him. I thought he got canned for playing ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ on Christmas Eve and calling it a holiday song.”

“No, Fuzz. Remember that classic rock station they had? Well, Billy’s the one who started their Friday night ‘In a Gadda da Vida’ thing. That’s another twenty-minute classic, so—”

(caller) “In a Danny de Vito?”

“Why are you still on the phone?”

“Got nothing better to do, man.”

“Us either. That’s why we’re in radio. Anyway, the song runs about twenty minutes, so Billy would sneak his girlfriend into the studio, and every Friday night at nine … well, you get the picture.”

“More clearly than I want to. Wasn’t Billy the one who … sweet Lupa. And he had a girlfriend?”

“I know, right? Some chicks are flat-out desperate. Why can’t I find those chicks?”

“You need to be at a bar at three in the morning for that.”

(caller) “Hey, are you guys ever gonna play any music again? Good music, I mean.”

“Sure, man. Here’s a little ditty called “I Humped Your Mama Last Night.’”

(caller) “Hump your mama.” (hangs up)

“So, Tabbs, you got any plans for Thanksgiving? You want to come out to my place? Cerise and me’re having her family over.”

“You want to put a cat in a room full of hungry jackals? Are you off your friggin’ nut?”

“I’m outnumbered, man. I need backup. Morning Hair Ball, you're on the air.”

(caller) “Man, you ever play that Adam Sandler travesty again, I will hunt you down.” (hangs up)

“Wait'll Christmas, fleafest. We'll be playing his Hanukkah song. Oh, and we gotta play Cheech and Chong. Talk about your classics.”

“You’re right, Tabbs. Sometimes I miss album cuts. Some of those songs just went on forever. Hell, while ‘The End’ was playing, you could even go outside and roll a doobie … ”

“But not here. That never happened at this station, no sir. Not even on the overnight. Especially not on the overnight.”

(voice from the booth) “Wait a minute. That bunny band? Thumper? They had all those baggies with the lettuce in ‘em? And the next morning the place smelled like—”

“I think it’s time we did play some music, don’t you?"

(voice from the booth) "Clover ... "

"Yeah, clover, right. Let’s see how many moving targets I can hit with this one. The ultimate back seat humping song, Meat Loaf’s ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light.’ And we will be playing ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ at noon, ‘cause I definitely need to drop something down the hopper now. You’re listening to the Morning Hair Ball on 105.7, SHFT in Talbot’s Peak. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!”