Monday, June 18, 2012
Your Cable Access Station
(Don't say it. I know. I'll run the announcement blog next week, I swear. May Dean Winchester hunt me down if I don't. Whoa, hold on ... )
Transcript: Mrs. Geaufeur’s Garden Tips Episode #58, broadcast 6/18
Talbot’s Peak Cable Access Channel 11
Mrs. G: Good morning, all! Welcome back to the garden. And how was that fresh carrot casserole, hmmm? I’ll be sharing more viewers’ recipes later in the show. Right now we’ve got a very special guest with us today, a carnivore with his very own vegetable garden! Please raise your trowels in salute to Mr. Greg Lupine from right here in Talbot’s Peak!
Greg: Call me Digger.
Mrs. G: Certainly, Digger. Now, you’re a wolf, is that correct?
Greg: You betcha.
Mrs. G: And yet you’ve planted a vegetable garden.
Greg: Well, I like to dig in both my forms, so one day I figured, I’m going to get my paws dirty anyway, why not put all that effort to good use? So I got some seeds and a couple of starter plants and first thing you know, they’re growing. I was kind of surprised myself, but now that I’ve got the hang of it, it’s working out great.
Mrs. G: What did you put in?
Greg: Well, I started with green beans because I heard they’ll grow anywhere. Look, I’ll be up front here. I wasn’t sure what to go with, but my girlfriend Laurie, she’s a human, she works at the garden center and she gave me some tips. I put the tomatoes in because of her. She looooves home-made spaghetti sauce. I’ve got about three types of lettuce, some carrots, radishes, zucchini, you know, the usual backyard crops. Oh, and a flower garden. I like all the scents. Don’t tell anybody. You know wolves. Any dog who says he likes flowers has to be a swishtail, know what I’m saying?
Mrs. G: (points to camera) You know this is being broadcast to the whole town, don’t you, dear?
Greg: Scat. Can you cut that part about the flowers?
Mrs. G: I’ll speak to the film editor. It’s rather unusual for a meat-eater to plant a vegetable garden, isn’t it?
Greg: That’s what everybody says. But y’know, it’s a real thrill watching the little shoots poke through the soil and the tomatoes grow and get big and ripen and all. The whole circle of life thing, y’know?
Mrs. G: Sounds as if you’ve had substantial luck. Do you use commercial fertilizer?
Greg: I’ve got a compost heap. And whatever I, uh, put out.
Mrs. G: Say no more, dear. I hope you wash everything you cook.
Greg: Oh, I don’t eat the stuff myself. Some of it goes to my girlfriend, but the rest is for the bunnies.
Mrs. G: You provide food for the local rabbits? That’s so philanthropic!
Greg: No no no, you’re getting the wrong idea. Not shifter bunnies. Real bunnies. I planted all that to lure them in. They eat the veggies, I eat them. Like I said, circle of life.
Mrs. G: You—what?
Greg: Look, I’m not a big veggie eater. I have to choke some down to keep the human body healthy, but mostly I eat meat. Wolf, remember? Well, I got tired of those mob scenes that are a pack hunt, me being down the ladder and all, the alpha and beta get the best cuts and we’re lucky if there’s scraps left on the bones, y’know? And I can’t just eat out all the time. Have you seen the prices in some of the restaurants around here? Who do they think we are, Warren Buffet? So it’s chase my own game. Rodents are pretty much all you can get without a pack for backup. Then one afternoon I was throwing dirt around out back and I realized, hey, I’ve got half an acre back here, why not plant some bunny bait and let them come to me? Son of a mutt, it worked, too. I put out a couple of live traps—
Mrs. G: Mr., um, Digger—
Greg: —and I must take in five or six a week. I had to get one of those big freezers. Took care of my gopher problem, too. No more holes in the lawn.
Mrs. G: (chokes)
Greg: That’s not the best part. I planted sunflowers and now I get squirrels and mice. Oh, and this one time, a deer. I swear, I get up one morning to mark the ol’ territory and there’s an honest-to-Lupa deer in the lettuce. A real deer, not a shifter. Well, he didn’t get more than one jump before I brought him down. Careless. You ask me, I did deerkind a favor taking him out of the gene pool.
Mrs. G: Oh my dear God—
Greg: Oh, and I’ve started an herb garden, did I mention that? For cooking. Nothing like fresh venison with onions and just a bit of basil. I’ve got it all now. Parsley, sage, rosemary and squirrel. You ever try sage on squirrel? Unbelievable. Squirrel goes great on home-made pizza, too. And gopher sliders. Love those.
Mrs. G: (makes retching noises)
Greg: You okay? You don’t look so good.
Mrs. G: (frantically) Go to commercial!
Voice: We’re cable access. We don’t have commercials.
Greg: Can I say hi to my girlfriend? (waves at camera) Hi, Laurie!
(Mrs. G slides off her chair)
Greg: Mrs. Geaufeur?
(TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES CARD)
Voiceover: We’ll be right back with this week’s viewer recipes. Here’s last week’s recipes, for those who missed it. Dammit, Nelson, roll clip!