Drat Those Lying Mayans!

Two goats sprawled on a flat rock high atop a mountain overlooking a tree-blanketed valley. They chewed spindly grass and watched the sun go down. As the last ray faded from the sky, one of the goats went, “Maaahhhhh.”

This, translated from the mountain goat, means “shit.”

The other goat shifted. Still chewing, he asked his companion, “What’s up with you?”

The first goat swallowed and shifted. He hugged his knees to his chest and stared morosely at the spot where the sun had disappeared. “The world never ended. We’re still here.”

“I told you not to believe that Mayan prophesy. When have they ever been right about anything? Let me guess: you didn’t bother to pay your car insurance.” He shook his head. “Jeez, Stan. You didn’t really think the world would end, did you?”

“Well, I was kind of hoping, after … ” Stan trailed off.

After years of observing Stan’s many evasive maneuvers, Bradley had his shorter-horned brother pretty neatly pegged. “After what? What did you do?”

“Uh … ”

“Is it worse than car insurance? Do you need bail money?”

“It’s nothing like that. You know that Mrs. Wembly, the widow down in the valley?”

“The cougar?”

“She prefers puma. Well, everybody swore up and down the world was going into the toilet, so—”

“Dude. You didn’t.”

“Why not? It’s not like I expected to ever see her again. And she’s got experience, y’know? It could have been my last time ever. I didn’t want it ending up a fumble fest.”

“Dude! She’s old enough to be our mom!”

“She’s not that old. Sure, she’s no spring kid, but jeez. It’s not like I could’ve knocked her up. Anyway, she’s the one who agreed to it. I didn’t force her to. The hard part was trying to leave. She kept clawing at me."

“Dude!”

“Yeah? So what did you do for your last day on earth?”

“Not much. Went down to Talbot’s Peak and wandered around town. Sat on a bench in the park. Ate a hot dog. What? I wanted to see what meat tasted like. Assuming there’s any real meat in a hot dog.”

“Couldn’t land any real action, huh?”

“I wasn’t looking for ‘any real action.’ I never believed the world would end.”

“Which is why you ate a hot dog. Right.”

Somewhere below, an owl hooted. From out of the dark rose the scream of a hunting cat. A large, tremendously frustrated cat.

Stan leaped to his feet. Bradley snickered. “Nervous?”

“No! I’m just, you know, it’s getting dark and all. Too hard to see the trail. We should head back.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Mrs. Wembly will give up trying to find you eventually.”

“One more word, Brad, and the world will end for you. I guarantee it.”