Thursday, October 1, 2009

Interview with the Werecoyote

Pic from ~ ~

Interview with the Werecoyote
by Pat Cunningham

I’ve been nagged – excuse me, asked by a couple of people to explain how my shapeshifters work, so I rounded one up for an interview. What’s your name, sir?

Salvatore. Call me Sal. You got any food in this dump?

- Do this for me and I’ll take you to lunch. Now then, your shifter species is -- ?

Coyote. I’m a coyote. You don’t hear so much about us ‘cause the wolves hog all the press. Chaos knows how. They’re such lumps. I think it’s because they look better on camera. All noble and heroic and scat. I’ll let you in on a secret – they suck in bed. Werewolf prowess? All a myth. You want a night to remember, you get a coyote. We’re more flexible and we have wild imaginations, y’know what I mean?

- I’ll keep it in mind. Where are you from?

New York. Upstate New York. That’s as specific as I’m getting. I don’t want my skin up on somebody’s wall. We like having room to run, but we can go anywhere. City, suburbs, country, long as there’s squirrels to chase, we’re good. Like I said, flexible.

- What do you do for a living?

Me? I’m a garbageman. A dog’s gotta eat. I’m in the city, you take what you get. It’s easier if you want to live rural. Half my family’s forest rangers. You get to eat on the job.

- Where did you come from, as a species? Why is it you can change form?

Hell if I know. Why is it you can’t? This is how we are. Our legends say we were created by Chaos because the world needed a laugh. That’s what separates us from the wolves. We’ve got a sense of humor. We can see the laughs in things. That’s why we get along so well with humans. You apes are a freakin’ riot. Wolves, they wouldn’t know a joke if it bit ‘em in the ass. Biggest drags on the planet. And that whole pack dynamic with the ranks and the hierarchy? Gimme a freakin’ break.

The wolves say they’re descended from somebody named Lycaon. Google it. I’m not the History Channel.

I know we started out in the Southwest, but we’ve been spreading east for decades. We’re all over now. Technically we’re Native Americans, but most of us are blond. Go figure.

- How do you switch form, and how long does it take you?

How do you take a piss? We just do it. Okay, you want the technical stuff. We’re born in human form. I don’t remember what shape Mom was in. I didn’t think to ask her at the time. We go a few years looking like humans, then puberty sets in. The first shift happens right around then. It’s all about smell. Your smell changes when you switch form. The family shifts and then you match up the smells in your head and poof, there y’go. Once you get the trick of it you don’t need another shifter around, you can just do it whenever.

My cousin Dominic has allergies. Stuffed sinuses. He had a helluva time.

How long’s it take? Lessee … I’d put it down to seven seconds, maybe less. My personal best is three, but that’s ‘cause some guy had a gun on me. Incredible what you can do with the right motivation.

- I’ve been hearing from other shifters, and it seems the actual change takes longer for them. It’s painful, too, with the reshaping of bones and everything.

How long? Minutes? Chaos bite me. Anything longer than thirty seconds and you might as well hang it up as a species. It shouldn’t hurt, either. It’s like sex. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. Nature doesn’t screw up that way. Nature makes it right or you’re done for.

We switch fast. It’s a survival mechanism. I mean, think about it a minute. It’s the Middle Ages, you and your fellow serfs are out there toiling in the fields or whatever, all’a sudden you start to change into a wolf. Now, if it takes you more than a minute, you’re not even gonna have your tail out before you got your neighbor’s hoe in your neck. I dunno how many thousands of us got whacked before evolution finally wised up and said Hey, wait a minute, this ain’t working, and speeded up the process. The quicker you get those two extra legs, the quicker you can run away from the torches and the pitchforks, y’know?

What’s the change like? Well, my cousin Dominic, y’know, with the allergies, he took a video once and we played it back in slo-mo. It starts with the hair. That feels really weird. It’s like a zillion ants squirming around just under your skin and then they all pop out at once. Then your teeth get heavy. After that it’s like whoosh and there y’are. I guess it’s a little uncomfortable, but it goes by so quick you hardly notice.

The toughest part’s the tail. We have to grow one every time. It’s like your spine doesn’t know where your body ends and it just keeps stretching out. Then it sprouts hair and your brain has to switch over and deal with a whole new limb. The worst part’s when we switch back to human and it has to go back in. Ever have an enema? That’s what that feels like. I can’t sit right for a good half hour after I shift forms.

- I heard it gets harder as you get older.

Yeah, there’s a limit to how much even our bodies can do. You hit your 40s, it starts taking longer. And it’s achy. All that pressure on the joints. Dominic’s grandma, she’s got arthritis like you wouldn’t believe. Around age 50 or so we just stop. Pick a form and stick with it. We got big families, they take care of you. Of course, most of us never last that long. Wolves, disease, accidents, humans with guns – it’s a tough world out there.

Y’know the hardest part about being a shifter? Clothing. You can’t go walking around in clothes and then shift or they’re just gonna rip right off you. The shes got it easy, they can wear loose dresses. A shirt or a pair of pants, forget it. Or shoes. You don’t want paws in a pair of shoes. Don’t even get me started on underwear. You do NOT want to turn into a canine with briefs on. Most of us just go commando.

We wear flipflops and ponchos if we know for sure we’re gonna shift. Easy to slip on and off. That’s tough to do in the winter, though. You buy a coat that’s three sizes too big and go naked under it and hope it’s still where you left it when you get back.

I’ll tell you what us shifters need. More fashion designers. We need a shifter Ralph Lauren or something. Somebody who can make us clothes that don’t rip when we switch, like a jumpsuit with Velcro or something. It falls off in pieces and when you’re done being a coyote you just tack it back together and off you go. That’d work.

- Any final thoughts?

Yeah. “Twilight’s” a crock. Since when is getting your throat ripped open and your blood sucked out romantic? Vampires aren’t any better than weres, they just got better PR guys. You ladies want the thrill of a lifetime, go find yourself a coyote. Once you go furry, you never go back. Now, how about that lunch?


Blurb ~

It's that time of the month -- the full moon -- when Willy Alvarez's moods go wonky and her dreams fill up with wolves. A time for hungers she doesn't dare fulfill because they lead to violence. She's resigned herself to a manless life, then Cody Gray arrives.

Cody is cute, funny, charming, and a werecoyote. His nose knows what Willy doesn't: she's half werewolf. He's convinced this repressed half-human she-wolf is his perfect mate. Now he just has to convince her. And quick, because her long-lost pack has learned about her existence, and they've come to town to claim her...
COYOTE MOON by Pat Cunningham at ~ ~ Pat’s book has received several top reviews.


Crystal Kauffman said...

Awesome interview! I think I'm in love with Sal. Bite me, baby. ~Please~

Serena Shay said...

LOL...Nice job Pat! I love the interview and I agree with Crystal, Bring on that Sal!!!!

Anonymous said...

Sav - where did you find that picture? It's perfect!


Paris said...

LOL!!! I'm so glad you interviewed Sal! I'm still laughing so hard I can barely type;-)

Savanna Kougar said...

Hey, Pat, I did an image search for Funny Coyote Pictures and I thought Mr. Coyote was perfect.
Can I say again how much I absolutely enjoyed this, or my funny bone did!