Truth In Advertising

Ralph Rates ‘Em
Movie reviews by Ralph Bruin

I was going to review the new Rock movie—he can call himself Dwayne Johnson all he wants, he’ll always be the Rock and I can smell what he’s cooking—but I got a bone to pick with whatever dumbass comes up with film titles. A lot of people pick their flicks based on whether the title sounds good, so that title damn well better describe what the movie’s about. Accurately, I mean. That ain’t always so.

Take last week. I was flipping channels and I see this movie coming up called Night of the Iguana. And I think, hot damn, monster movie, hordes of lizards chomping on stupid humans. I am so down with that. Well, screw me and my expectations, because there weren’t any lizards, giant or otherwise, in the whole damn thing. It was about some douchebag preacher boning the local skank. I don’t want to see that! I want to see dinosaurs knocking buildings over and crushing cars and monkeys running through the streets screaming and wetting their pants. Contest time: two free passes to the Talbot Twin to anybody who can tell me where the goddamn iguana was. Otherwise call it The Preacher’s Randy Prick or something, so the viewer knows what he’s getting into.

Or Cloverfield. Sounds British, don’t it? All la-de-dah, Hugh Grant on some country estate trying to get into Gwineth Paltrow’s pants. Well, guess what? That’s the monster movie. Cloverfield is about this big alien motherfucker ripping up New York and wiping out all the whiny turds who are too stupid to live anyway. Seriously, does the title Cloverfield conjure up pictures of space monsters trashing New York in your head? Mine either. They should of switched those titles. Night of the Iguana for the monster movie and Cloverfield for the skank flick. Makes a helluva lot more sense that way.

Now Terminator, that was a bait and switch. Yeah, it’s got Arnold and guns and people get wasted and shit blows up and stuff. But when Arnie’s not on screen, it turns into a chick flick. The guy’s a wuss who came back through time for Twu Wuv and the chick’s got this annoying voice that makes me just want to claw her face off. She’s better in the sequel, she gets all buff and kick-ass and yeah, I’d do her, but that first one, gimme a break. But at least the title was accurate. For most of the movie Arnie terminates the holy hell out of people. You can always fast forward past the chick flick crap.

What I’m saying here is, Hollywood, if you want to make money and we all know you do, put a goddamn title on the goddamn movie that tells us what the hell it’s about. None of this artsy, look-how-clever-I-am scat. Look at Alien. Or Snakes on a Plane. Simple and direct. There’s a reason those flicks make money. It’s because we know what we’re spending our seven or eight bucks on. C’mon. A River Runs Through It? Through what? My basement? I don’t want to be exposed to you and your fucking literary pretentions. I just want to watch a good movie.

While you’re at it, make more flicks like The Avengers. That movie was awesome.

Okay. G.I. Joe. I’m giving it five bear claws because the Rock’s in it and because Joe ain’t no chick flick wussy boy. He’s a real American hero. You don’t like it, go watch TV. I’m out of here.

# # #

“You know, Nick,” Ziva said, “I don’t think Ralph’s cut out to be a movie reviewer.”

“But he makes some valid points. You did think Hugh Grant was in Cloverfield.”

“My mistake.” She shuddered at more than the memory. “It’s just that his taste in film is a little … basic.”

“Well, we can’t make him a food critic. He’s been banned from almost every restaurant in town.” Nick slapped his desk. “I’ve got it. We’ll give him an op-ed column. Let him go to town on whatever pisses him off. Like a grizzly bear version of Andy Rooney. Come to think of it, ol’ Andy may have been a grizzly bear. Or some kind of bear. He was always grumpy, like he never got to hibernate long enough."

“I’m still not sure we can trust Ralph with anything in writing.”

“True, but it will get him out of the newsroom.”

Ziva smiled. “Op-ed column it is.”