Competative Sports Around Town
By Mooney McMahon
It’s been a tough week out there for high school sports enthusiasts. The County High Timber Wolves lost to the Naperville Jack Rabbits 7-0 in the first playoff game. What self-respecting carnivore is going to lose to food, I ask you? Next week they are playing the Columbus Waves. Hopefully the pups won’t get washed out by a pond.
Next week is try-outs for the Jr High wrestling team. All you panty-waists will be happy to hear that Coach Barton bowed to pressure and they will be allowing girls to try for a spot on the squad. At this rate, I’ll be announcing dudes trying out for the cheerleading team next year.
As per an official request from the Naperville drama teacher, I am also mentioning that the results from last week’s chess tournament are in. I am not reporting the results, though, because chess is not a freaking sport. Maybe if you had an actual mascot and not food, all those nice young gentleman would be out doing manly things!
The city council did not approve the request to allow roller derby tournaments at the city’s recreational facilities, so next week’s bone crusher will be held at the Roller Rama again, assuming we can get old Mrs. Fuddy-Duddy to drop the cease and desist charges. There man or may not be a TP party planned for Mrs. Fuddy-Duddy’s house tomorrow night to encourage her to play nice.
And on a positive note, the adults-only dodge ball league did get the funding needed to buy Kevlar volleyballs. As you know, that tournament had to be suspended when the Pack popped every stinking one of the normal volleyballs. The new shipment is due in by Wednesday, so the All City Meat and Gravy Dodgeball Tournament should be back on next Saturday.
This is Mooney McMahon signing off for now. And don’t bother sending anymore hate mail my way. I just file it in the circular file.