Transcripts from the Battle of Schitt Creek

Sorry this is so late. I got busy double checking all the details of this battle and ended up re-reading all of the posts about it. Enjoy!

~ Rebecca

[Transcripts from the Battle of Schitt Creek]

Loki: Tango Helo Oscar Romeo, check check

[burst of static]

Thor: Who?

Loki: TANgo HEEEEElo Oscar RomEO! Check CHECK!

Thor: Dude, everyone knows who we are. Just say m’name.

Loki: Whatever, catbox breath. Clearly you can hear me so the radio check is a go.

[five minute silence]

Thor: Contact!

Loki: What? Where?

Thor: Dude, someone just drove Dante’s ride into a giant pile of bantha poo!

Loki: Ok, I see it now. Yeah, that does kind of look like a bantha except it has a trunk—

Thor: DUDE! DUDE! Did you just see what Ewan did?

Loki: Yeah! He went fishing for hellephant while Duce distracted the bugger by nipping its heels! That was totally awesome! Dad, can I go chase the hellephant, too? [muffled sounds] Why not? Uncle Bo and Uncle Nick let us nip at their heels when they play chase all the time!

Thor: —PLAT! Right into the poo with you!

Loki: What’d I miss?

Thor: If you’d not hold the transmit button while begging Dad for something you know he’s not gonna go for, you’d know.

Loki: Just tell me!

Thor: Well, Ewan used that big fishing pole like a long range grappling hook to climb up on the bantha or hellephant or whatever.

Loki: Saw that part.

Thor: Yeah but you missed seeing Ewan duke it out with the mutant werewolf on the hellephant’s back while the skinny chick tried not to fall off the thing’s head because the mutant just kinda tossed her away when it went to go after Ewan. And then Ewan flat out NUT SHOTTED the mutant with the fishing pole and then it fell off the hellephant and landed right in the middle of fresh steaming pile of poo!

Loki: Dude, that’s awesome. I wanna be like Ewan when I grow up!

[muffled sounds. Mooney smacking his pup over the head?]

Loki: Fine. Dad said to repeat Ewan’s coyote call since not ever’one can understand it. He is saying that the hellephant’s going to be in range of Schitt Creek in les than five minutes and that he didn’t see where the mutant escaped to after it got out of the scat pile.

Thor: Moon-Moon said it headed towards the tiger compound.

Bo Ewing: Say again? It headed to the tiger compound? Not the Hankock Packlands?

Thor: That’s right, Uncle Bo. It went east toward the tigers, not southeast toward the other mutant wolves.

Bo: Good to know. Tell Dante we’ll reshuffle the secondary line to protect the northwest edge of town, as well.

Dante: Got it. Keep up the good work, pups.

Thor: Who’s on the secondary line?

Loki: I heard Dad talking to Uncle Nick about it. If the wolves can’t stop the hellephant before it reaches town, the herds are going to try to redirect it.

Thor: Uh, I don’t think that’s going to work. Uncle Bo and Han are pretty big and Aunt Mary and Grandma are pretty tough, but there’s no way a heard of Big Horns is going to be able to turn that thing.

Loki: That’s why it’s called a last ditch effort, butt-sniffer. And it’s not just the Ewing herd. The oxen, the mustangs, even the elk are waiting on standby.

Bo: That’s right boy. If the offence fails, our only hope of stopping that monster is to try and appeal to its herd pachyderm herding instincts.

Thor: It’s bigger than most of the trees, Uncle Bo.

Bo: That’s why it’s a last ditch effort, fuzzball. No how about an update on the battle field?

Loki: Ok, Ewan just howled that Atcheson is ‘lergic to peanuts. Who’s Atcheson?

Thor: Moon-Moon says that’s the hellephant’s name.

Bo: Allergic to peanuts, got it. What’s the beasts ETA?

Loki: Dad said it’ll be to Schitt Creek in about three minutes ‘cause its speeding up. A flying hourse just shifted and has somebody on its back. Dad said it looks like they are headed for the Turkle spread, pro’ly because Mrs. Turkle stock piles peanut butter.

Thor: It just bugled. Looks like the fight’s about to begin.

Loki: Mr. Turkle just lit it up with a grenade launcher! The hellephant has stopped charging… Mr. Turkle is still firing granades…

Thor: Dude! The monster just batted that grenade away like it was a baseball!

Loki: It just  charged again. It just grabbed Mr. Turkle with its trunk!

Thor: It’s gonna eat him!

Loki: calm down! Look, that human with the huge gun is shooting at it.

Thor: Oh my GOD! There’s a bunk of dudes in skirts with swords charging the hellephant’s hind legs!

Loki: Calm down, butt munch! We’re supposed to be reportin’ on the battle progress.

Thor: Eat that, you ugly bantha monster! Woooo!!!!

Loki: looks like Mr. Turkle just shot his way out of the hellephant’s mouth.

Thor: That’s a spicy meata balla!

Loki: Dude, cartoon references?

Thor: Airborn!

Loki: Ok, the human just got thrown by the hellephant and the flying horse is back. It just plucked him out of the sky before he hell.

Thor: Dudes in skirts kick tail! Oh! OH! Ah-wooo!

Loki: My brother to doofus just wolfed out and the flying horse is making strafing runs on the hellephant while the guys in dresses distract it. [muffled sounds] Kilts. Dad says it’s guys in kilts, not dresses. Oh now that was just cool! The flying horse swooped in and the human jumped into the hellephant’s mouth, rubbed something all over its teeth, and then jumped back out just in time for the horse to catch him! And then the hellephant tried to puke but it can’t ‘cause its tongue is the size of—

Mooney: And that’s all for the Loki and Thor comedy hour.

Dante: That it is. I’m calling this battle a wrap. Call in the witches to do triage on a prehistoric monster in full anaphylactic shock due to peanut allergies. Get clean up out here for all the monster poop. And has anyone seen my car?