Monday, April 5, 2010

Speed Dating in Shiftertown

By Pat Cunningham

The recent speculations on werebears got me to wondering if there are any other types of overlooked shifters out there, and why we haven’t heard of them. Or maybe there’s good reason it’s the alpha wolves and sleek big cats who get all the favorable press …

BOAR – Heya, sweetcakes. I’m the other white meat. C’mon home with me to my sty. We’ll root around for Cheetos in the sofa. You got some poundage on ya, but I like ‘em hefty. Hey, where ya going? Picky sow.

SNAKE – You are so warm and cuddly. I want to hold you tight. Really, really tight.

RHINO – I see you admiring the bod. Nice, eh? I work out. Feel that muscle. Solid as a rock. Skin’s a little rough but hey, we can’t all be perfect. You know what they say about the horn, right? It’s all true. I’m a horny guy. Heh heh.

SLOTH – I don’t believe in instant anything. I like to take things slow. Twenty-minute kisses. Sex that goes on for hours. Days, even. What? Time’s up already? Why the rush? You people need to relaaaaxxxx.

SQUIRREL – Hey, baby, check out my nuts.

RABBIT – You. Me. Saturday night. Salad bar. My place afterward. It’ll be quick like a bunny but there’ll be lots of it. Hope you like big families.

OWL – Did I startle you? I apologize. I tend to move in silence. I want to sweep you into my arms and fly with you through the velvet darkness of the night. I – excuse me. I was feeling a bit peckish and that squirrel looked so – (urp).

SKUNK – It’s not B.O. It’s pure masculine musk. I’m a hot stud. Really. C’mon, I took three baths today. Gimme a break here. Please?

STAG – I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. I’m all about fun, sweetie. Romping naked through the forest, that’s my thing. Except for gunning season, then it gets dicey. We can stay in and watch videos. But not “Bambi.” I have to sit through that tripe again I swear to Artemis I’m gonna gore somebody.

WOLVERINE – Hugh Jackman? Never heard of him.


Serena Shay said...

LOL...Ya know, that sloth could work for an erotic, but how do you make a sloth in animal form, sexy? Loved the squirrl!

Paris said...

I'm going to be chuckling all day over this. I see the sloth as a kind of nerdy computer geek who spends his days dreaming about the perfect woman...another gamer who needs to learn to relax and enjoy all day kisses;-)

I feel sorry for the skunk but I'd probably try outrunning the rabbit and go for the Stag;-)or maybe the rough tough Rhino. Nothing wrong with a large muscular hero who knows what he's after!

s7anna said...

These are hilarious!!!

Savanna Kougar said...

Monday smiles! Thank you, Pat. Like s7anna said, there are hilarious!

Oh, if only I could get to my stag shapeshifter stories. There's a great Celtic god tie-in.

Pat C. said...

Paris, I'm with you on the sloth. Only sloths and computer geeks are perfectly happy to stay in one position in one place for hours at a stretch. He needs a vegetarian nerdette to make his life complete.

Sav - are you thinking of Hearn? Is there a Native American equivalent for those of us who are too lazy (slothful?) to research Celtic gods and English folklore?

I was at a fantasy con once and some guy was dressed as the pagan god, complete with deerhide and antlers. Someone commented on his ensemble and I said, "That's not his, that's Hearn." Oh, the looks I got ...

Savanna Kougar said...

Pat, I think it was Hearn... but, I'd have to go back to my research. Be that as it may, there is all sorts of lore in ancient cultures about stags as shapeshifters. If I'm recalling correctly, yes, in Native American stories, as well.
However, European, Germanic and the Celtic culture dominate.
Long ago, I entered a RWA contest with a story where the hero was a stag shapeshifter. Actually, one judge, especially liked it, saying that fantasy resonated with some women.

Savanna Kougar said...

That is funny! not his, that's Hearn...