Guts & Butts Gazette, volume 2011-2-9

Guts & Butts Gazette, volume 2011-2-9
Police Blotter

2/7 - Disturbing the Peace. Police were called in to break up a sit-in protest at City Hall. A group calling themselves The Eastern Rockies Wiccan Alliance staged a protest at Talbot’s Peak City Hall Monday to protest a proposed bill to make it punishable by law to make predictions that don’t come true. Sheriff Joe Hackett expressed confusion at the protest, noting that there isn’t and “Eastern” part to the Rocky Mountains and the proposed law was for Romania, not Montana. While the protest did remain peaceful, the sheriff felt it was appropriate to break up the rally as the protesters were clearly out of their minds.

2/5 - DUI. Police made a routine stop of a vehicle being driven by a male, Guri Kahn. After observing Mr. Kahn slurring his words and muttering about cookies and cream, the officer administered a road-side sobriety test. Mr. Kahn threw up on the officer. He was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving but released on his own recognizance after he “accidentally” ate the breathalyzer equipment.

2/1 - UFO sighting. Calls began streaming into the Talbot’s Peak police hot-line about strange light seen floating over the forest behind The Pleasure Club. Officers investigated but found nothing other than an odd depression in the snow. As there was no blood spotted this time, they left.

**********

“What are you doing, monkey-child!?!” Marissa looked up from the paper and scowled at Lex.

“I’m reading the paper over my morning coffee, oh shriveled hairless one,” she replied snidely, waving the paper in his face to emphasize her point.

“I should have known you would neglect your duties to me,” Lex sniffed snottily. Marissa roller her eyes and went back to reading her paper. She couldn’t help but snicker over that bit about the fake witches protesting some law in another country. Real witches didn’t make bad predictions.

“So what did I fail to do this time?” she drolled.

“The party, stupid child! The party! Did you forget?”

“Lex, Valentine’s Day isn’t till next Monday. We have time.”

“But everything must be purr-fect!” he whined. She hated when Lex did that. He ended up exaggerating his R’s so it sounded like an over-grown housecat in heat. Come to think of it…

“What,” Marissa said, becoming alarmed. “Since when do you care about Valentine’s Day? Or any other human holiday?”

“Because it’s the perrr-fect setting to reveal my lasted creation,” Lex replied.

“NO!” Marissa shouted.

“Oh, yesss,” Lex hissed gleefully. “I have finally managed to recreate my grandfather’s recipe for love elixirs. The mortal day of love will be just the right time to try it out!”

“Great,” Marissa huffed under her breath. “Next week my coffee shop is going to be in the blotter. ‘Mad cat-god accidentally turns patrons into frogs with foul-smelling smog.’”

“What did you say, monkey-child?” Lex inquired.

“Nothing Lex. I do hope you remember what happened the last time you used our cliental to try out one of your smelly concoctions. I don’t really want to be run out of this town like we were the last one…”

She rather liked Talbot’s Peak. And This year, she might actually have a sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, she mused to herself. Of course, there was no telling what a bachelor wolf like Mooney would consider a romantic gift, but so long as it was for her from her very first boyfriend, she didn’t really care. Much. He’d better not bring her something recently dead and bloody.