Class Project

Our Family: A report by Brett and Coby McMahon for Mrs. Jennett’s 3rd Period English Class
Words by Coby McMahon
Video by Brett McMahon

My name is Coby McMahon. My brother Brett and I live part of the time with our mom and most of the time here in Talbot’s Peak with our dad and his wife. Everybody calls us Loki and Thor because those names are cooler than Coby and Brett. We want Mom and Dad to change our names for Christmas.

(Video: A young woman with blue hair smiles, realizes there’s a camera on her, and holds up her hand)

This is dad’s wife, Marissa. She’s human, but she’s a witch too, so the human part isn’t as bad as it sounds. She makes coffee at Java Joe’s. She works for Lex, who brews up weird potions in his office and lets us do taste tests, but Marissa says we can’t drink what he gives us any more because some of it might be dangerous. Lex calls us his “minions.” He says that means “assistants.” Marissa calls Lex a word that sounds like assistant but she told us we’re not allowed to repeat it.

(Video: Two good-looking men smile for the camera. They laugh and punch each other playfully on the arm. The punches turn violent. Growling is heard. The video cuts off abruptly.)

This is our dad, Mooney, and our uncle Nick. Uncle Nick runs the newspaper and Dad writes about sports, which is really great for Thor and me because we get to see all the games. Uncle Nick’s an alpha wolf, so he’s really snappy all the time. Dad’s a beta. They take care of the alpha. Marissa runs the house, so I guess she’s our alpha. They don’t fight like Mom and Dad used to, so Thor and I are a lot happier. Dad says Uncle Nick would be a lot happier if he’d just marry his girlfriend Ziva and get it over with. Dad says Ziva’s one hot piece of tail and he wouldn’t mind humping her leg. I thought only dogs humped legs. We asked Marissa what Dad meant and she got real red and told us to go wipe tables. Dad slept on the couch for a couple nights.

(Video: A handsome, gray-haired man with a moustache and beard winks at the camera) This is our grandpa, Vernon. He married Miss Elly from the Bighorn Diner. (The man gestures insistently. An attractive, middle-aged woman with blonde hair in short, tight curls joins him.) Uncle Nick got really mad when Grandpa and Miss Elly got married because she’s a herbie and doesn’t eat meat. Well, Marissa doesn’t eat meat either and she’s really nice to Thor and me and Dad. Miss Elly’s nice too. She makes the best flapjacks in Talbot’s Peak. We’re not allowed to call them pancakes. Uncle Nick always calls them pancakes. Grandpa says he’s just trying to push Miss Elly’s buttons. She wears an apron a lot so I don’t know where her buttons are.

Thor and I got pushed around for a while after Grandpa married Miss Elly, but then Miss Elly’s sons came by the school to talk to everybody about bullying. (Video: Two enormous young men scowl into the camera with beefy arms folded over their broad chests) Hannibal’s a forest ranger and Bo’s an emergency medical tech. They used to play football. They told everybody we’re in their herd now because their mom married our grandpa. Bighorns are herd animals. Everybody in the herd looks out for everybody else, like wolves do in a pack, so they said they’d be looking out for Thor and me from now on. Everybody’s been real nice to us since Han and Bo were here, so I guess their talk worked.

(Video of a girl who looks like a twentysomething version of Miss Elly. She smiles and waves at the camera)

This is Mary. She’s Miss Elly’s daughter and Bo and Han’s sister. She works for Uncle Nick. Dad says Uncle Nick yells at her all the time but it doesn’t do any good because she’s hearing impaired. One time he came up behind her and surprised her and she head-butted him. Uncle Nick always makes sure he yells at her back now. Mary doesn’t know any different and Dad says it helps Uncle Nick get it out of his system. Dad says Uncle Nick has a stick up his tail. Uncle Nick never yells at us, so maybe it’s an alpha-beta thing.

(Video of the entire group. Everybody smiles except for Nick, Hannibal and Bo)

Anyway, that’s our family. We’ve got wolves, bighorns and even humans. Herds and packs aren’t really different, so everybody sort’a gets along. When Thor and I grow up, we’re gonna have a big pack with humans and wolves and everybody in it, and I’m gonna be the alpha.

(Thor’s voice: “No, I’m gonna be the alpha.”)

Are not! (Video tilts, fuzzes and goes black)